ObserAsian #4 Asians and Hair

Asians are known for a variety of physical traits from their flatter broader noses, shorter stature to this blog's inspiration, their eyes. One of the physical traits of Asians that is far less discussed is Asian hair. Asians have a very weird relationship with hair. Asian women are oft cited for having beautiful straight shiny and voluminous hair while Asian men are known for having thin hair wherever their genetics allow them to grow it. In short, Asians and specifically Asian men, really value their hair.

In fact you may have noticed the lack of arm and leg hair present on Asian men. Asian men throughout the years have devised two ways to cope with their lack of active hair follicles on their limbs. Asian men either embrace their lack of hair and cut their hair short to round out their look. We'll call this the minimalist approach. This is the approach that I take. For every bystander who asks us if we shave our legs or our arms we can just say, "well I don't have that much hair anyways," have them look at our shaved heads and nod in mutual understanding.

The other coping mechanism revolves around the overvaluation of hair and the we'll take it where we can get it approach. Asians value their hair and the ability to grow it immensely and have developed quite a culture surrounding hair. The placing of hair on the aesthetic pedestal leads to a variety of hairstyles that are unique to Asians. We will analyze these slightly more in depth.

1) The Dragonball Z Super Saiyan look. This is the simplest of excessive Asian hair growth. Modelling their hair after the popular animated anime series, the Dragonball Z look places emphasis on industrial strength hair gel, hair spray and jagged hair spikes. The fact that Asians equate long spiky hair with the ability to fly and shoot fireballs out of their hands just shows how much Asians truly value their hair. In fact just like the Dragonball Z series and the various levels of Super Saiyan, there are also levels of Asian Dragonball Z hairstyles.

Level 1 (Categorized by lack of hair products and emphasis on big vertical hair):

Level 2 (Categorized by use of hair products and the beginning formation of spikes):

Level 3 (Categorized by the use of hair products and hair dye. Also notice the increased jaggedness of the hair and anime qualities of the individual):

2) The well at least I can grow facial hair look. Asians are completely foreign to the five o'clock shadow. For Asian men, it might as well be the five day hiatus where hair does not even peer through their pores. Days and weeks can easily pass without the use of a razor. In fact the Gilette Mach 5 razor with its 5 blades would probably have enough blades per Asian facial hair. The Asian male who is able to truly grow facial hair is rare and probably Mongolian. There is a very slippery slope with Asians who are capable of growing facial hair; they either look like wise philosophers or creepy Asian men. There is no middle ground; you're either one or the other. Long Asian beards don the likes of renowned thinkers such as Confucius and Sun Tzu. Asian mustaches don the likes of these dudes:

Once again let's review. Asian beard = famed philosopher. Asian mustache = dirtiness.

3) The I know it looks stupid, but it's for good luck hair look. Asians know they cannot keep up with their American and Eastern European counterpart when it comes to growing hair. Asians instead choose to one up their counterparts by growing long strands of lucky hair, whether it be nose hair, ear hair, or the infamous mole hair. Since hair is so highly valued in Asian male society, the fact that hair can grow in such a concentrated area must mean that it is special and bestows good luck upon the hair bearer. When confronted about the sheer ridiculousness of this hair, the response is almost always, "well it's lucky."

4) The I know the only cool person to ever have this haircut in the history of mankind is Bruce Lee but I'm going to try it anyway bowl cut look. It is irrefutable that Bruce Lee is the man. His sheer awesomeness allowed him to overcome the indefensible Asian bowl cut. If you are not Bruce Lee, you should not have this hair cut. It is that simple. Even with the simplicity of this rule, Asians value having hair so much that they bite the bullet, and often. At one point in every Asian male's life they have had the Asian bowl cut.

Shout out to Beth for the inspiration.

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Stuff We Rike #7 Collecting Things

After scouring the aisles of our local grocery store and waiting in the check out line, the grocery bagger usually asks whether we prefer paper or plastic. With the increasing attention being paid to the environment the answer has increasingly become paper. This however is not the case for Asians. The green movement be damned, Asians always want plastic bags, and maybe even extra ones because us Asians, we just like to collect things too much.

Everybody likes a bargain and everybody loves free giveaways but Asians have a propensity to value free at an unmatched level. Trips to fast food restaurants are actually thinly veiled excuses for Asians to hoard ketchup packets, salt and pepper packets, napkins, and plastic silverware for absolutely no reason but to have them at our disposal. Asians are genetically predispositioned to grab every individually wrapped knife and fork set even though they prefer to eat with chopsticks. Rarely are these gathered materials ever put into use as their utility is solely gathered from their acquisition and not their usage. In fact most Asians have a drawer, closet, or shelf for these collected objects to rest at. Knowing that they have a stash of condiments, disposable eating utensils and plastic bags in a safe and secure place in the back of our minds gives Asians a unique pleasure that is all our own. It would be one thing if these stashed items were put into use; well they are never used. You know how dogs bury random objects in the backyard with no intention of ever digging them back up in the future? Well that's how Asians are like with ketchup packets.

In fact the Asian love of scouring fast food joints for excess condiments is probably the sole reason why fast food chains now charge extra for barbecue sauce, sweet and sour sauce, or any other dipping sauces. Actually now that I think about it, Asians are probably the reason why McDonalds moved away from the easy access napkin dispensers to the vertical stack napkin dispensers that force you to take one napkin at a time. These are just a few steps the fast food industry have taken to Asian proof their restaurants.

The fast food industry is not the only industry that has been severely affected by the Asian predisposition to collect small free objects. The hospitality industry and the hotels of the world have had their coffers raided for their miniature shampoo, conditioner, and cheap bar soap for years now. In fact most Asians will take a shower with their own shampoo and conditioner just so that they can take home the 2oz bottles of shampoo home for future non usage. The more brazen of the Asian contingent will even progress to hoarding shower caps, cheap three inch long toothbrushes, and disposable sewing kits despite having a near zero chance of ever using these items in the near or distant future.

Now some of you may be thinking to yourselves that this phenomenon is solely represented by the Asian mother cohort and you are only partially correct. Younger Asians are also trained to collect things from a young age in order to carry on the Asian tradition of hoarding unnecessary goods. A prime example of this is Pokemon whose slogan is "Gotta Catchem All!" Why do you think that Asians were so drawn to Pokemon? It's because they love to collect things; even if they are fictional yellow rats that have the ability to shoot electricity out of its cheeks. While others try to get through the game, Asians want to not only get through the game, they indeed want to catch them all.

I have to admit. I did collect them all when I was a kid. I even had to trade between the red and the blue cartridge to get them them all. I do not know whether or not to be proud of myself.

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Stuff We Rike #6 Photography

There are certain moments in life, places in the world or people in our mist that we want to not only ingrain into our memories but to commemorate with a timeless photograph or at least save a digital copy of on our computer hard drives; moments such as college graduation, places such as the Eiffel Tower, or Lindsay Lohan sightings at the chic new restaurant in downtown L.A. that just scream, "Take A Picture! Actually Take Two!" Then there are Asian tourists who believe that there is no moment, no place or no person that does not deserve to be photographed and photographed often. There is a famous saying that goes, "A picture is worth a thousand words." If that is indeed true, then Asians have provided tomes upon tomes worth of literature to the world. In short, Asians really like to take photographs.

At one point or another there has been a time in our lives where we have overinflated the value of a certain time, place or person we were with and took a few too many pictures of an event. We get swept up in the moment, and let our photo taking finger get a little button happy and we end up having 19 photos of the Statue of Liberty from 19 different angles or we take 19 group photos because Mandy can't quite keep her eyes from blinking. Asians however, know no bounds. There are never too many angles, never too many retakes and never a photograph that should not be taken and retaken. Asians are not too shy to arch their backs, crane their necks, or utilize advanced tai chi moves in order to capture the quote unquote moment in film as exampled by this lady.

The most egregious example of the Asian love of photography has to be location based photographs. The world is a splendid place with many remarkable locations that are more than worthy of being photographed. The vastness of the Grand Canyon, the majesty of the Empire State Building, the shear power of the crashing waves at Niagara Falls, the mysteriousness of Stone Henge among a slew of other noteworthy sites all merit the proverbial "Kodak Moment" tag. Asians must have a heightened sense respect for these vaunted sites because not only do they take pictures of the sites themselves, they take pictures with the stop signs, mailboxes, fast food joints, rocks, and other objects that loiter the main attraction site as well. You know what I am talking about. Asians are infamous for taking picture of the completely unspectacular, unremarkable and completely obscure; so much so that casual tourists think to themselves, "If so many Asians are taking pictures of the rock by the Eiffel tower, it must be a famous rock. Maybe a revolutionary died on the rock?"

Let's look at this picture for example. There are four people taking pictures in this picture, all who happen to be Asian. Two of the four are taking pictures of Asians taking pictures. This is a vicious cycle indeed. Also take note of the number of checklist requirements that are present in this picture.

You may be thinking that tourists come from all different backgrounds and that Asians are not the only ones who are guilty of overindulging in photo taking. You are right. The problem is that not every group of photographers stand out as much as Asian photographers In fact here is a quick checklist to help you spot Asian Photography Zealots.

1) They are Asian

2) They have a knapsack with various camera accessories

3) They have a camera that does not fit into the pocket of a pair of jeans and are using the camera neck strap

4) They may or may not have a tripod with them

5) They may or may not have multiple cameras with them

6) They are taking pictures of stuff that nobody else is photographing

7) They are taking a photo in a position other than standing

8) They are traveling in a huge pack

9) Each member of the group has their own camera.

10) Each member of the group wants their own version of the same picture.

11) They are oblivious to other people around them because they are so hellbent on taking the perfect picture

12) They really seem to like peace.

I am going to elaborate on point number 12 on the checklist because of its great importance in the execution of Asian photography. In fact the Asian V Sign or the peace sign goes hand in hand with Asian photography as peanut butter does to jelly. The V Sign is the major byproduct of the Asian love of taking pictures. As much as Asians love taking pictures, they love to seemingly promote world peace in their pictures as well. Following in the footsteps of other famous photograph hand ornaments as the Star Trek Vulcan sign, gang symbols, sorority hand logos, and the shocker, Asians have made the Asian V their own.

While the true popularization and origins of the Asian V are constantly debated, what is known is the fact that nary an Asian group photo is taken without the presence of the Asian V. There is a distinct difference between the Asian V and the universal symbol for peace. Although they both generally take the same shape and form, the Asian V is almost exclusively held up by the face region and slightly angled either towards or away from an ear to ear teeth bearing smile. In the following two examples take note of the angular nature of the Asian V and the utilization of both hands.

Here is an example of an Inward Asian V:

Here is an example of an Outward Asian V:

Both the Inward and Outward Asian V sign are fully acceptable in the grand scheme of Asian photography. Both can also be modified from the preferred two hand version to the less widely adopted one handed versions of the Inward and Outward Asian V sign. Like most everything else, leave it to the second and third generation Asians to bastardize the sacred Asian V with their one handed versions. We just don't do things as well as we used to.

As mentioned earlier the peace sign is not the same thing as the Asian V. For example this is a peace symbol. The first sign that this is probably not an Asian V sign is the fact that he is not Asian. A more subtle sign that this is not an Asian V is the one handed nature of the pose. The telltale sign that this is not an Asian V sign but rather a conventional peace sign is the complete uprightedness of his peace sign. The positioning of his peace sign and how it is completely parallel with his head is also worthy of note.

Smile!  You're probably in the background of an Asian photo as we speak.  

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ObserAsian #3 Asian Themed Tattoos

As society has become increasingly progressive, tattoos have made their way towards mainstream acceptance. Tattoos throughout the years have been become increasingly popular and the overall increased prominence of tattoos has also led to the increase in the number of Asian themed tattoos taking up body real estate. I am going to offer a breakdown of these said Asian themed tattoos.

There are two main subgroups of Asian tattoos: the Asian character tattoo and the dragon/ phoenix / tiger / koi tattoo.

The most prominent Asian themed tattoo is the Asian character tattoo. Who cares if you cannot read it? Just the fact that you know that everybody you come into contact with will ask you what your tattoo stands for is cool enough. For better or worse, Asian character tattoos are instant conversation starters. I have one question for anybody who is contemplating getting an Asian character tattoo. Do you really want to give godlike power to your tattoo artist and entrust their knowledge of the respective Asian language your character/ characters is from; especially when most tattoo artists look like this guy:

I know they tell you to never judge a book by its cover. But I'll be damned, I'm judging.

I do not have an Asian character tattoo, but can imagine how the train of thought of one who has an Asian character tattoo might resemble in male and female version.

Male Version:

Hmm... I really want a tattoo.

I want my tattoo to be bad ass.

I've been working out for a long time.

My tattoo needs to emphasize how strong I've become.

Ehh... maybe I'll get a tribal armband.

Never mind. Tribal armband = douche.

Well I still want to emphasize how strong I am, I'm so powerful.

Maybe, I'll get power tattooed on my arm.

That's stupid, I'll get the Asian character for power on my arm instead.

I really hope this means power.

Whatever, even if it doesn't, I'll tell everybody it does.

Female Version:

Hmm... I really want a tattoo.

I want my tattoo to be sexy.

I've been doing the elliptical for a long time.

My tattoo needs to emphasize femininity and sexiness.

It also needs to mean something to me.

Love means something to me.

It can't be trashy though.

Maybe I'll get a lower back tattoo.

Wait... people call those tramp stamps. I can't get one of those.

But love really means something to me.

I can't get love tattooed on my lower back.

I'll just get the Asian character for love instead, people will think I'm deep.

Do you think they'll still call it a tramp stamp?

Whatever... I've been running on the elliptical for a long time, I deserve this.

The other large subset of Asian themed tattoos are made up of tiger, phoenix, dragon or koi tattoos. These tattoos in their most prominent application typically cover a large portion of the body, are extremely elaborate, and are great at compensating for a lack of toughness. Anybody who is willing to subject themselves to four tattoo sessions for a tattoo that covers 70% of any given body part must be tough. It does not matter that this is 70% of a body that usually weighs between 130-170 pounds. The only notable exceptions to this rule are members of the Triad or Manny Pacquiao. They are an intimidating bunch, and are free to tattoo whatever they want wherever they want without repercussion or having their manliness put into question.

And if you're contemplating an Asian tattoo I present you with this infamous tattoo. He thought it was a phonetic translation of his name, Mitchell. It actually means "Rice Covered Balls." Something tells me that is not what he intended for.

Fail. In fact, epic fail.

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