Stuff We Rike #12 Having Immaculate Handrwiting

As I have previously mentioned, Asians really like repeating things; especially really tedious things that require meticulous amounts of concentration. One of these such things is handwriting. Asians love handwriting and especially immaculate handwriting that can be described as cute, neat, organized, or all of the above. I would venture to guess that handwriting can be described as Asian.

Exhibit A: White dude or definitely not Asian handwriting

Exhibit B: Asian girl or definitely Asian handwriting

Never mind that exhibit A features the use of the Greek alphabet or that exhibit B features the use of a variety of boxes and circles. You see how straight exhibit B is? You see how neat it looks? You see how even it looks? Truly the work of an Asian.

You know how I know that Asians love handwriting? They invented paper. While everybody else in the world was wiling and happy with writing on stone slabs, cave walls, and papyrus, Asians decided that they needed something to practice their handwriting on, hence paper. You know those handwriting worksheets with the dotted lines that were the bane of elementary school where we struggled to trace the dotted letters? It was probably an Asian person's idea. I'm actually not sure, but it might as well be. While we're at it, Asians probably perpetuated the concept of coloring inside the lines. I challenge you to name me one Asian abstract artist. It's an oxymoron.

To be fair, being good at something only means you're good at it and does not necessarily meant that you like to do it. So besides the fact that Asians are good at handwriting, how do we know that Asians really do indeed love handwriting? Let's look at the facts. While many cultures at one time or another placed a high premium on calligraphy, only Asians give handwriting reverential status. They even break down handwriting mastery into 6 categories: paper, paperweight, desk pad, ink and ink stick, ink stone, and seal and seal paste. Without getting too far in depth, the fact that I have no idea what four of those things are just goes to show you that Asians take this whole writing thing seriously. While most folks are trying to decide between, Times New Roman, Arial and Verdana, Asians are deciding between ink stick and seal paste. Yeah, Asians like handwriting.

Asians like handwriting so much that they have created an entire industry based around it. I challenged you earlier to name an Asian abstract artist to no avail. That was a tough challenge because there is a limited pool of acclaimed abstract artist to begin with. I further challenge you to find the rare Asian with a non mechanical pencil. In fact the Asian writer surely will not be limited to only one mechanical pencil. They probably have at least a few back up pencils, extra lead refills, a variety of multi colored gel pens, a mini ruler, mini scissors, and one of those white plastic architect erasers because surely the small eraser attached at the back of the pencil would not suffice. If you're going to have to write Asian, you have to be able to fix

All of these handwriting tools would also surely be housed by a specially designated pencil case that had a high probability of being adorned with a cutesy fictional animal with abnormally sized eyes and a zipper. These pencil cases are the Swiss army knives of the handwriting world. Just as a chef would never think of preparing food without their knives, Asians would never think of writing without their pencil case. So as the holidays approach and the masses are flocking towards the Hallmarks and American Greetings of the worlds, Asians are hoarding their gel pens and special writing utensils readying themselves to write that perfect card, with Asian handwriting of course.

If that isn't enough proof for you that Asians love handwriting, what about the fact that Asian languages are also really complicated and make it even to write immaculately much less legibly. This is an example of simplified Chinese. Now write that with an ink stick.

Random question. What happens if you get a prescription from an Asian doctor? Some things in this world are just meant to perplex; this may be one of them.

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Stuff We Rike #11 Rooting For Asians in Fields Asians Traditionally Suck At

Welcome back! I would have liked to post at a more frequent and rapid pace but unfortunately I have been operating on the wrong end of colored people time, more commonly known as "CPT." You may have seen Asians show up ridiculously early, especially the group of Asian international students who show up 20 minutes early to lecture and occupy the first two rows of the auditorium, but let me assure you that the CPT phenomenon is native to American born Asians. So yes, I operate on CPT, and for that I apologize. Woody Allen once said that "Ninety percent of life is just showing up," and since I have not been showing up, I have been sucking at life. Anyways, without further ado and the longest "Stuff We Rike" yet... Asians really like to to root for Asians in fields Asians traditionally suck at.

You may be wondering why Asians don't just like to root for other Asians and in fact normally secretly hold grudges against each other. Let me explain. Asians have a lot of shared history; at some point China took over our homeland, China tried to take over our homeland, or our homeland was actually just China. Second generation Asians also have a lot of shared history. Our parents all made us take piano, try violin if we sucked at piano, try cello if we sucked at both piano and violin, and for 99.9999% of us our parents all looked at us in shame when they realized we would not make it into Juilliard as a pianist, violinist or cellist. Our parents all enrolled us into preparatory classes in the sciences and math at age 6 or at the first sign that we might not eke out an "A" on our report cards. So if you were put in our shoes, would you root for the next Yo-Yo Ma? Hell No. The next math team prodigy? Seen that, been there, not one bit exciting to root for. Now the next Asian American Idol contestant? Now that's exciting.

As highlighted by the annual NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, everybody likes to root for the underdog. There is just something special about rooting for David that most casual fans cannot avoid. Well there is also something special about rooting for Yao, or Kim, or Chang, as long as that surname is of Asian origin for Asians. I spent the middle of my teen years rooting for Dat Nguyen the diminutive linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys even though I watched him a total of zero times on television because to me, "he has to be Asian, he's playing in the NFL, that's AWESOME!" Last year when I was scouring the Internet researching potential draft picks, I stumbled upon Pat Chung from Oregon. Needless to say, I thought I would soon have a new favorite player in the NFL. Then I looked up his picture:

Damn. I will have to wait until another day.

Asians also want to root for Jet Li and Jackie Chan as our most famous actors, but they are basically ninjas. Lots of Asians are ninjas so therefore they are not that exciting. Now if some Asian actor actually got to kiss the girl or stop the bomb threat threatening the livelihood of the citizens of Los Angeles, that would truly be something to get exited about. I can't even imagine

Jack Bauer being Asian and even if he was, he'd probably not use guns, know how to do karate, and would depend on outwitting his enemies with his brain rather than out kick ass them. At least we have Harold, the Asian stoner, he gives us hope so we root for him.

There are over one billion of us just pining to root for stuff, especially other Asians in fields that we suck at so for all you Asians out there, step your game up and we'll be cheering you on.

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Stuff We Rike #10 Fat Idols

Before I delve into my next post, let me apologize to all my readers for basically taking an extended too lazy to type and think phase. I am now back and committed to updating this blog and spreading my meaningless observations to the clamoring masses =].

Okay, now back onto subject. Asians as a general whole are a pretty skinny bunch. We are known for being short, nimble and evasive. Asians you could say are generally considered to possess many of the physical attributes that would best allow for hand to hand combat and occasionally feet to feet combat as well Although one would like to say that this is a gross misrepresentation of Asians and merely a poor stereotype, I would argue that there is indeed much merit to this perception as Asians are pretty darn skinny. In fact, Asians are so skinny, they idolize fat things.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Well for Asians the grass on the other side would be obesity. While Americans are constantly wrestling their conscience with french fries, with french fries usually winning the battle, Asians are busy staying skinny and living longer than ever. This is clearly evidenced by the Asian love of sumo wrestling a sport where each additional excess pound equates to greater admiration. Some would argue that Americans value their football linemen, but let's be honest, Americans root for the skill players. In Asia they just root for the fat people. Asians admire the fact that these massive gladiators are able to consume such large quantities of food and get so large. Kobayashi became a star in America because Americans were befuddled by his ability to ingest that much food in such a short period of time and still manage a svelt physique while in Asia people were less than impressed. In fact Asians thought it was such a waste that Kobayashi could eat so much food and not get any bigger. In fact, Asians are so amazed that a fellow Asian can get so large that they have even created a term, "yokozuna," to admonish upon their prized massive heroes.

Asians have taken their admiration of the over sized beyond the athletic arena and have also extended this admiration to their higher beings. Through time many Asians have devoted their time towards practicing Buddhism. Asians particularly have a special place in their hearts for the "fat Buddha," because let's be real, he just looks so friendly with his round belly and ear to ear grin. If you were to tour ten Asian households, eight out of ten of those households would have a Buddha statue on display and eight out of eight of those statues would probably be of the fat variety. What makes "fat Buddha" so attractive? Perhaps it's the huggability factor of the "fat Buddha" that attracts Asians. Or perhaps it's just the fact that Asians really like to idolize fat things and in this case religious figures.

You cannot place the value on a child. Children, are appropriately so, the most prized possession of any adult. For Asians, fat children and specifically fat babies are the most prized possession possible. Every Asian mother wants a fat baby with round cheeks, short extremities and an oversized head. It is a sign of great fortune and would make any grandmother blush over her luck in having a fat grandchild. I am proud to say that I was a 10 pound baby. Sorry mom. I hope the good fortune that I brought into her life offset the delivery troubles she went through. In short, babies are great but fat babies are better.

Now one may wonder how the Asian obsession over fat things developed. I have no idea but I can venture a guess. Perhaps it's the fact that Asian children grow up playing with fat toys. While American boys grow up playing with X-men and GI-Joe figurines and American girls grow up playing with Barbie dolls, Asian boys grow up playing with Kerrope, a fat green frog, and Asian girls grow up playing with Hello Kitty who despite her cute bow tie, is quite chubby. So while American children grow up idolizing body types that are unreasonable, Asian children grow up liking fat things. See Americans grow up idolizing turtles that know martial arts and eat pizza. Asians grow up idolizing fat frogs. There in lies the difference and why we like fat things.

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ObserAsian #6 Being Part Asian is Trendy

Ying and Yang. Peace and Harmony. East meets West. U Plus Sign Me Equal Sign Equals Us.

You know since it is the 21st century and all, things have come a long way. From the days of mass paranoia caused by the mass influx of Asian immigrants to work on the transcontinental railroad lines, and the days of the "yellow peril", we have surely made a lot of progress. Instead of threatening the wages and standards of living of whites, Asians have done such a great job in not meddling with whites that they have since become, "model minorities." In fact some might even say that we have, "made it," in the eyes of our American brethren and maybe even to the point where being Asian is, dare I say, trendy.

Much like trick yo-yo's, Pokemon, tamagotchis, beanie babies, pogs, and the Nintendo Wii, being exotic or having a "hint of the orient," has become quite the fad. Actually, now that I think about it, those fads that I previously mentioned all have Asian ties. See, Asian is cool. Being associated with Asia is the hot thing of the moment. I mean what's more desirable than a mixed race baby? I would argue a mixed race baby that's part Asian; they're so cute.

In fact being slightly associated with Asia has become quite mainstream. Before I get further in depth on this topic, let me reemphasize the slightly associated with Asia part. I mean to be fully Asian is to be communist, American job stealing, copyright infringing, and human rights violating. So clearly being fully Asian is not quite up to snuff with being part Asian. Jackie Chan and Jet Li never get to kiss the girl. Tiger Woods is married to her. Being part Asian has its perks.

For example nothing has exploded onto the scene of posh and hipster dining like Asian fusion restaurants. With the opening of each abstractly named fusion restaurant that has no absolutely no bearing with the food the establishment actually serves, fusion restaurants are taking America by storm. With their backless seats, modern furniture, interesting plating and small portion sizes, Asian fusion restaurants are redefining the way Americans are both viewing and consuming their spring rolls. It's hard to describe what fusion restaurant really means except that it's more expensive and probably has something to do with east meeting west.

The hipness of having Asian ties is not exclusive to the high end however, as fast food chains have recently latched on to the increasing popularity of being associated with Asian stuff. In fact nearly every fast food establishment has their version of an Asian salad or an Asian sauce. All it takes are some crispy noodles, some canned mandarin orange slices and some sesame dressing and you instantly have a fast food best seller. The marketing geniuses of fast food America have realized that you can take something you already sell, glob on some soy sauce or ginger based sauce and you can charge a thirty cent premium and rake in the big bucks.

The Asian trendiness factor need not be limited to culinary interests but has expanded into all aspects of Americana and has infiltrated the American household. We are not discussing Asian architectural mainstays like Buddha statues, pagodas or outdoor Japanese water gardens. Asian fusion furniture is a hybrid of modern furniture with an eastern flare. In short, Asian fusion furniture is modern furniture kicked up with another notch of vagueness. Confusingly, Asian fusion furniture is fast becoming one of trendiest growth sectors of the interior decorating world. I mean what makes a leather sofa Asian? Is it shorter? Is it shaded yellow? I kid. Regardless, it's another example of the increasing uptick in Asian culture creeping into mainstream society. I mean what's better than a regular mirror? Easy! An Asian fusion inspired mirror! I have no idea what makes this mirror an Asian fusion mirror, but I googled it and you know google is pretty good at the whole search thing.

With the increasing acceptance of Asian culture into mainstream American culture, you may be wondering what my take on all of this is. Well you know they say America is a melting pot. Well Asians are getting mixed into this proverbial melting pot as well and that's probably a good thing. I mean even if this increase in Asian culture is misguided, inappropriate, or potentially slightly politically incorrect, at least we're trying. I mean who doesn't like to try and be more like people who are different than us. That's why there's Halloween and these dudes. See we're guilty of it too.

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ObserAsian #5 Eye Envy

For better or worse, she wants bigger eyes. Most Asians inherently do for no good reason whatsoever and have quite the case of eye envy.

What do Pikachu, Sailor Moon, Hello Kitty and the cast of characters from Final Fantasy all have in common with one another? Well aside from being the subject of young Asian fantasies, they all share one connecting bond; they all have abnormally over sized eyes. Much like height challenged males who drive Ford F-350 pickup trucks or the ego challenged driving Porsche, Asians are constantly made aware of their ocular shortcomings and choose to overcompensate by endowing their creative forays with disproportionately large eyes.

Asians are obsessed with many things but among the most touchy subject for Asians are their eyes. Asides from you know, the color of their skin, the one physical attribute that most easily identifies Asians are their distinct eyes. Through the vigors of childhood nursery rhyme clapping games, even young children are crudely adept at determining who is either Chinese, Japanese or an Indian Chief. Since there is no Asian equivalent to "sticks and stones my break your bones, but words may never hurt you," Asians have taken these eye taunts to heart and have grown increasingly self conscious of their eyes.

Many Asians lack a "double fold" in their eyelids which creates the slant like appearance of Asian eyes that have become commonplace in the caricatures of Asians and the mockery of Asians by Disney youth celebrities (That would be you Miley Cyrus). It is this lack of a double fold that creates the illusion that Asians have smaller eyes than others and more importantly gives my blog its title. Asians, and especially Asian women, have allowed this eye obsession to create mass insecurities and have led many Asians to take upon many options to try and increase the size of their eyes or accentuate what eye shape they already have.

Much like the western beauty standard that Asians want to adapt, Asians have also adopted the western way of achieving this standard; surgery! Asian women often travel outside the country to receive fat injections in their eyelids to create the ever elusive double eye fold. The other oft used method for eye accentuation is the much less drastic but equally excessive technique of creating the much coveted "smoky Asian eye look." The theory behind the smoky eye is very similar to the vertical or horizontal stripe theory which tells fat people to wear vertical stripes to bring out their height. The smoky eye theory basically means to surround your eye with as much dark make up as possible so that it looks like your eye whites are taking up a lot more space than they actually are. As a side benefit, the smoky eye makeup also allows Asian women to look extra exotic for good measure.

You may think that the Asian envy of the western standard of eye beauty may be a bit overdone, and in that regard, you are indeed correct. What compounds the perplexity of this entire scenario is how Asians choose to tackle this self esteem issue. Even though Asians make up a third of the world, they still choose to use western beauty standards for their women and their children. Why else would their children be idolizing their Anime comic book heroes with their over sized glassy blue eyes? Even their yellow rats that can shoot lightning out of their rosy red cheeks have these mega sized eyes. So for every young American girl who plays with their Barbie doll who might one day get a boob job, every Asian girl playing with her Sailor Moon doll may one day get a double eye lift surgery while wearing a school girl uniform.

Peek a Boo.

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