Stuff We Rike #11 Rooting For Asians in Fields Asians Traditionally Suck At

Welcome back! I would have liked to post at a more frequent and rapid pace but unfortunately I have been operating on the wrong end of colored people time, more commonly known as "CPT." You may have seen Asians show up ridiculously early, especially the group of Asian international students who show up 20 minutes early to lecture and occupy the first two rows of the auditorium, but let me assure you that the CPT phenomenon is native to American born Asians. So yes, I operate on CPT, and for that I apologize. Woody Allen once said that "Ninety percent of life is just showing up," and since I have not been showing up, I have been sucking at life. Anyways, without further ado and the longest "Stuff We Rike" yet... Asians really like to to root for Asians in fields Asians traditionally suck at.

You may be wondering why Asians don't just like to root for other Asians and in fact normally secretly hold grudges against each other. Let me explain. Asians have a lot of shared history; at some point China took over our homeland, China tried to take over our homeland, or our homeland was actually just China. Second generation Asians also have a lot of shared history. Our parents all made us take piano, try violin if we sucked at piano, try cello if we sucked at both piano and violin, and for 99.9999% of us our parents all looked at us in shame when they realized we would not make it into Juilliard as a pianist, violinist or cellist. Our parents all enrolled us into preparatory classes in the sciences and math at age 6 or at the first sign that we might not eke out an "A" on our report cards. So if you were put in our shoes, would you root for the next Yo-Yo Ma? Hell No. The next math team prodigy? Seen that, been there, not one bit exciting to root for. Now the next Asian American Idol contestant? Now that's exciting.

As highlighted by the annual NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, everybody likes to root for the underdog. There is just something special about rooting for David that most casual fans cannot avoid. Well there is also something special about rooting for Yao, or Kim, or Chang, as long as that surname is of Asian origin for Asians. I spent the middle of my teen years rooting for Dat Nguyen the diminutive linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys even though I watched him a total of zero times on television because to me, "he has to be Asian, he's playing in the NFL, that's AWESOME!" Last year when I was scouring the Internet researching potential draft picks, I stumbled upon Pat Chung from Oregon. Needless to say, I thought I would soon have a new favorite player in the NFL. Then I looked up his picture:

Damn. I will have to wait until another day.

Asians also want to root for Jet Li and Jackie Chan as our most famous actors, but they are basically ninjas. Lots of Asians are ninjas so therefore they are not that exciting. Now if some Asian actor actually got to kiss the girl or stop the bomb threat threatening the livelihood of the citizens of Los Angeles, that would truly be something to get exited about. I can't even imagine

Jack Bauer being Asian and even if he was, he'd probably not use guns, know how to do karate, and would depend on outwitting his enemies with his brain rather than out kick ass them. At least we have Harold, the Asian stoner, he gives us hope so we root for him.

There are over one billion of us just pining to root for stuff, especially other Asians in fields that we suck at so for all you Asians out there, step your game up and we'll be cheering you on.

Read more...

ObserAsian #2 Asian Basketball Courts

When the topic of how race affects sports, it is usually discussed within "black" and "white" parameters, as are most race related topics. When discussing the relationship between race and athletics there are certain parameters that have be adhered to:

1) You can never make cross racial comparisons. Comparisons are indeed only skin deep. For example Dirk Nowitzki can in no context ever be compared as a player to any non white player.

Statement A: Dirk Nowitzki plays basketball like Rashard Lewis is a fallacy.

Statement B: Dirk Nowitzki plays basketball like that lanky white European guy with 9 vowels in his last name is roughly about 150% more accurate than statement A.

2) Although politically incorrect, sports can be classified racially. This is done by one of two principles:

Principle 1: A sport's racial identity is determined by the majority of its participants. Examples: Lacrosse is a white sport. Ping pong is an Asian sport.

Principle 2: A sport's racial identity can be determined by the racial makeup of its most elite competitors because they dominate so much coverage. Examples: Competitive eating is an Asian sport because Kobayashi is the face of the sport.

Notable Exception: Tiger woods owns golf. He is half black and half Asian, but golf is a white sport. Any sport where people dress like this when they play has to be classified as a white sport. Sorry Tiger, you gave it a valiant effort.

When addressing sports that enjoy vast popularity and participation such as basketball however, it becomes much harder to understand the racial dynamics of the sport. Basketball at the highest level is played predominately by blacks. That does not mean that there aren't plenty of racially diverse players participating in pickup basketball games around the country. It is this diversity that has persuaded me to go further into depth on a subtler phenomenon, the Asian basketball court.

In any gym where there are multiple basketball courts set up whether it be at the local YMCA, luxury gym or college recreation building, there is a hierarchy of courts. The way the courts work usually is teams play to a predetermined score with an agreed upon scoring system and the winning team stays on the court while the losers have to make way for the challenge team. There is usually a "top court" that is reserved for players who have some high school playing experience, have general athletic ability or just happen to be tall. There are then subsequent courts that progressively drop in basketball ability. Then usually tucked along a wall or a curtain that makes playing basketball more difficult, is the aforementioned, "Asian Court"

Here are some defining characteristics of the "Asian Court":

1) There are a lot of Asian people playing. On the Asian court, play is not confined to playing 5 on 5 as many times there are upwards of 14 people playing at once.

2) Nearly everybody is under six feet tall and if there is somebody taller than six feet he is probably very bad at basketball.

3) The players waiting to get "next" are all Asian.

4) If a group of non Asian players want to get next on the court they are greeted with responses such as "We only want to play with our friends," or "This court is reserved for two hours for our (insert Asian cultural club name)," or the infamous awkward nod and reluctance to acknowledge that they speak English.

5) Players cheer whenever a basket is scored with emphatic high fives, cries of "aya!" or smiles whether that basket is scored by a teammate or the other team.

6) You will never see a dunk.

7) Oh yeah, English is rarely spoken.

Now these are not necessarily rules for the Asian court but rather tenants that are predominantly true, except maybe the dunk thing. I want to reiterate that the courts from the "top court" to the "Asian court" are determined by skill not race. This means that skilled players can migrate to any court they choose as long as they win and maintain control of a given court.

It just happens that the "Asian court" is universal among college campuses that this had to be discussed.

In fact if you are good at basketball and happen to be Asian, there are only two things that can happen if you're playing on the non Asian court. People instinctively start calling you "Yao or Yao Ming," if you do something well and if you display an ability to dribble in any capacity you may also be called "Soy Sauce." Refer to rule number one of race and sports; since we are Asian we can only be compared to other Asian basketball players. The other thing that can happen is when there are more than one Asian player and they happen to be on separate teams. When a non Asian player throws the ball to the wrong Asian they can claim that we all look the same, everybody proceeds to laugh, then play commences again despite the fact that one Asian is 5'6 stocky, wearing a black t-shirt with spikey hair and the other Asian happens to be 6'3 skinny wearing a Kobe jersey with a shaved head.

Many collegiate basketball coaches when basketball was still in the process of being integrated have said, and I am paraphrasing, that you can start 3 blacks, 4 if you're daring, and you can play 5 if you're losing.

I would like to add in pick up basketball terms, "You can play with 3 Asians on your team to start, 4 or 5 and you're on your way to being the Asian court."

I play basketball. Sometimes I play on the Asian court.

Read more...