Stuff We Rike #4 Paleness

With the popularity of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, vampires have taken center stage and have reached a level of mainstream popularity that has been absent ever since nutritionists told us that we could no longer eat chocolate flavored cereal for breakfast, sorry Count Chocula. The recent resurgence of vampires has forced me to ponder a very serious question: "Are Asian women secretly vampires?" Why else would they be so obsessed with preserving the opacity of their skin? Why else would they try and avoid the sun like the plague? This leads to the fourth thing Asians really like, being pale.

The western world once took pride in being plump because that meant that they had the luxury of eating whenever they wanted to. The modern western beauty standard for women is having the luxury to not eat whenever they want to and being able to fit into skinny jeans. Asians traditionally took pride in being pale because that meant that they did not have to spend any time working in the fields under the intense barrage of the sun's rays. A few thousand years later and Asians have maintained their aversion to the sun and pale skin remains their beauty standard. Yes, us Asians are a progressive bunch.

Now how much do Asians value their paleness? So much so that they have even gone to great lengths to discredit all the work that cartographers have ever done. There are seven continents and on five of them their people can be classified by their continent. For example, if you are French, you still consider yourself European. Asians however, are so disenchanted by the dark complexion of those from Laos, Cambodia, Burma, and Vietnam that they call them Southeastern Asians. As for over a billion of those Indians? Let's just call them Indians; they are way too dark to even have the Asian suffix.

Asians place such a premium on being pale that they go to great lengths to shield themselves from the sun. SPF 60 is only one of the many precautionary measures taken by Asian women in their multi pronged war against UV rays. Other precautionary sun battling tools include sunglasses and long sleeved garments. Some might think that I am exaggerating the fear that Asian women have of the sun but to you I show you:

Exhibit A: The umbrella on a sunny day phenomenon. Let's examine this picture a little more closely. It is clearly a sunny day. There is no rain. There are four Asian women. There are three umbrellas. The only woman without an umbrella is wearing long sleeved clothing from head to toe. Score: Asian Women 4. Sun 0.

Exhibit B: The full length glove. These gloves act as sun guards for the ever sensitive arm skin of Asian women. They are usually used in a driving setting and offer absolutely no functional benefits over long sleeves except that since they cover the hand and fingers full length gloves protect 22% more surface area from the sun.

Exhibit C: The WTF Visor. I am going to try to justify the latest trend in anti-sun wear. These visors could possibly be a tribute to the Asian love of metallurgy and are the modern reincarnation of the traditional welders mask. On second thought, probably not. Maybe ever since George Lucas debuted his Star Wars movies, Darth Vader has become a fashion icon in Asian society. Enter the Asian visor which provide the ability to block out any potentially harmful sun rays from reaching the face. The visors now even come in pastel colors to celebrate the arrival of spring. I completely made that up, I cannot really justify these visors, WTF.

After examining these three exhibits, you cannot come to any other conclusion other than Asians and especially Asian women really like being pale and really dislike the sun. If Asians didn't consume garlic like water, they would indeed be vampires. But since they can't be vampires, they might as well be umbrella wielding, long glove wearing, Darth Vader impersonators. Vitamin D be damned, we don't want no sun.