ObserAsian #2 Asian Basketball Courts

When the topic of how race affects sports, it is usually discussed within "black" and "white" parameters, as are most race related topics. When discussing the relationship between race and athletics there are certain parameters that have be adhered to:

1) You can never make cross racial comparisons. Comparisons are indeed only skin deep. For example Dirk Nowitzki can in no context ever be compared as a player to any non white player.

Statement A: Dirk Nowitzki plays basketball like Rashard Lewis is a fallacy.

Statement B: Dirk Nowitzki plays basketball like that lanky white European guy with 9 vowels in his last name is roughly about 150% more accurate than statement A.

2) Although politically incorrect, sports can be classified racially. This is done by one of two principles:

Principle 1: A sport's racial identity is determined by the majority of its participants. Examples: Lacrosse is a white sport. Ping pong is an Asian sport.

Principle 2: A sport's racial identity can be determined by the racial makeup of its most elite competitors because they dominate so much coverage. Examples: Competitive eating is an Asian sport because Kobayashi is the face of the sport.

Notable Exception: Tiger woods owns golf. He is half black and half Asian, but golf is a white sport. Any sport where people dress like this when they play has to be classified as a white sport. Sorry Tiger, you gave it a valiant effort.

When addressing sports that enjoy vast popularity and participation such as basketball however, it becomes much harder to understand the racial dynamics of the sport. Basketball at the highest level is played predominately by blacks. That does not mean that there aren't plenty of racially diverse players participating in pickup basketball games around the country. It is this diversity that has persuaded me to go further into depth on a subtler phenomenon, the Asian basketball court.

In any gym where there are multiple basketball courts set up whether it be at the local YMCA, luxury gym or college recreation building, there is a hierarchy of courts. The way the courts work usually is teams play to a predetermined score with an agreed upon scoring system and the winning team stays on the court while the losers have to make way for the challenge team. There is usually a "top court" that is reserved for players who have some high school playing experience, have general athletic ability or just happen to be tall. There are then subsequent courts that progressively drop in basketball ability. Then usually tucked along a wall or a curtain that makes playing basketball more difficult, is the aforementioned, "Asian Court"

Here are some defining characteristics of the "Asian Court":

1) There are a lot of Asian people playing. On the Asian court, play is not confined to playing 5 on 5 as many times there are upwards of 14 people playing at once.

2) Nearly everybody is under six feet tall and if there is somebody taller than six feet he is probably very bad at basketball.

3) The players waiting to get "next" are all Asian.

4) If a group of non Asian players want to get next on the court they are greeted with responses such as "We only want to play with our friends," or "This court is reserved for two hours for our (insert Asian cultural club name)," or the infamous awkward nod and reluctance to acknowledge that they speak English.

5) Players cheer whenever a basket is scored with emphatic high fives, cries of "aya!" or smiles whether that basket is scored by a teammate or the other team.

6) You will never see a dunk.

7) Oh yeah, English is rarely spoken.

Now these are not necessarily rules for the Asian court but rather tenants that are predominantly true, except maybe the dunk thing. I want to reiterate that the courts from the "top court" to the "Asian court" are determined by skill not race. This means that skilled players can migrate to any court they choose as long as they win and maintain control of a given court.

It just happens that the "Asian court" is universal among college campuses that this had to be discussed.

In fact if you are good at basketball and happen to be Asian, there are only two things that can happen if you're playing on the non Asian court. People instinctively start calling you "Yao or Yao Ming," if you do something well and if you display an ability to dribble in any capacity you may also be called "Soy Sauce." Refer to rule number one of race and sports; since we are Asian we can only be compared to other Asian basketball players. The other thing that can happen is when there are more than one Asian player and they happen to be on separate teams. When a non Asian player throws the ball to the wrong Asian they can claim that we all look the same, everybody proceeds to laugh, then play commences again despite the fact that one Asian is 5'6 stocky, wearing a black t-shirt with spikey hair and the other Asian happens to be 6'3 skinny wearing a Kobe jersey with a shaved head.

Many collegiate basketball coaches when basketball was still in the process of being integrated have said, and I am paraphrasing, that you can start 3 blacks, 4 if you're daring, and you can play 5 if you're losing.

I would like to add in pick up basketball terms, "You can play with 3 Asians on your team to start, 4 or 5 and you're on your way to being the Asian court."

I play basketball. Sometimes I play on the Asian court.

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ObserAsian #1 We Are Not All Ninjas

We are not all Ninjas. Just because there are a disproportionate number of Asians who want to be ninjas does not mean that we are in fact actually all ninjas. We would all love to be, but most of us just can't seem to satisfy the prerequisites of ninjadom:

1) Martial arts ability.

2) Ability to blend into shadowed areas.

3) Ability to throw projectile objects preferably ninja stars and darts.

4) Out of world flexibility and agility.

5) Understanding of unwritten ninja code.

6) Cool costume.

The G4 Network's hit TV show "Ninja Warrior" does very little to disprove the fact not all Asians are ninjas. The show's entire premise actually seems to revolve around a series of Asians trying to prove their ninja like qualities by going through a series of crazy concoctions that push human physical capabilities to the limit. I would like to call the show out however, because true ninjas would never show their faces in an intimate setting much less a nationally broadcasted television show that reaches millions of viewers. Talented acrobats? Yes. True ninjas? Not so much. Just because one is a superior physical specimen and can climb metal rods using nothing but upper body strength does not guarantee ninjadom. It is only part of the equation.

Outside of the physical requirements of being a ninja, there is also a level of sneakiness that is required in order to become a ninja. Unfortunately Asians have been unjustly accused of being sneaky for eons now. For some reason or another, many people perceive Asians to be a sneaky bunch and have done so since times of oral history. Perhaps it is because of this perceived sneakiness level that Asians are so often thought to be sneaky by day and ninjas by night.

As mentioned earlier, there are a lot of Asian people. Most of those Asian people live in the eastern hemisphere however, as less than five percent of the United States is comprised of Asians. This obviously lends itself to a few things: large concentrations of Asians are amassed on both coasts and in smaller clusters throughout the country in Asian communities among other larger communities and also means a lot of people grow up without much contact with Asian people. This lack of Asian contact coupled with the fact that Asians look quite distinct from our Anglo brethren naturally creates an aura of abstractness around Asians. This allows non Asians to view Asians as a very sneaky cohort despite contrarian evidence.

Let us examine some of the more high profile cases of Asians being perceived as sneaky:

Exhibit A: Fu-Manchu

Before the Fu Manchu was used to describe elaborate facial hair it was synonymous with evil criminal mastermind. Besides the blatant negative stereotypes and yellow face used in Fu Manchu's portrayal, Fu Manchu became the icon of yellow peril, or the fear that white people had of Asians. Now when I see images of Fu Manchu, there is only one thing that initially comes to mind. Of all the negative imagery and looks they could have used for an evil Asian, they had to choose such an obviously unrealistic image; Asians have a hard enough time growing facial hair, how do you expect them to grow such an elaborate mustache? This is probably also a bad test case because Fu Manchu was evil. Ninjas are honorable. Therfore being very sneaky is not enough to be a ninja.

Exhibit B: Japanese Internment Camps

One of America's greatest black eyes. Let's find all the Asian looking people and take them away from all of their possessions on short notice and place them in non voluntary confinement because they're clearly all the same and evil. $1.6 billion dollars and immeasurable negative P.R. later and you would have thought that America would have learned its lesson. Minus the whole this is a dark spot in American history thing, we all know that the ninjas would have escaped.

Nope because there is an Exhibit C: Dr. Wen Ho Lee

The doctor and professor at the University of California was accused and charged with 59 improprieties involving the illegal sharing of nuclear secrets with China. He was imprisoned for 9 months while the trial was being conducted. He was found to be innocent on 58 of the charges and the one charge he was found guilty on was labeled to be a giant misunderstanding. This was the closest the United States was able to identifying a potential ninja, but in all actuality it was a false alarm. And not to judge a book by its cover, but I'm assuming that Dr. Wen Ho Lee is not exactly a master acrobat. Just saying... Sneaky man? Yes. Ninja? Probably not

So in conclusion, being a ninja is a pretty tough thing to do, even if you're Asian. In fact after sifting through the evidence, the Asians who have the physical prowess to be ninjas are not sneaky enough, and the sneaky Asians are just not physically apt enough.

It ain't hard to be a pimp. It's hard to be a ninja.

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Stuff We Rike #2 Squatting

Humans as a species have a tendency to emphasize the importance of comfort; when in doubt comfort trumps all. Asians are unlike most humans however, we have a distinct desire to position ourselves as close to the ground as we possibly can. The practicality of this may be questioned but there is no doubt that Asians love to squat.

The origins of squatting and specifically Asian squatting as a cultural phenomenon are unknown. Many experts have traced the act of squatting back to the days of having to take care of bodily functions in trenches and thus the necessity of staying low to ground to avoid collateral damage. Seeing as how it is now the year 2009 and technology has advanced exponentially, Asian countries no longer need to depend on troughs. I present you a modern Asian toilet, with its no frills approach.

Much has changed from dirt holes in the ground. We now have metal holes in the ground with appropriate floor markings for the most ergonomic and efficient foot placement for squatting efficiency.

Now that we have explored why squatting exists for practicality reasons it is necessary to tackle why there are so many Asians who squat for purposes that have nothing to do with bathroom activities. Through my completely unscientific observations these are the situations in which Asians are most likely to be squatting from least to most likely excluding the aforementioned bathroom situations:

5) Waiting for something whether it be public transportation or somebody else.

4) Eating (probably something with rice).

3) Smoking.

2) Eating and Smoking at the same time.

1). For absolutely no reason but to squat.

You would also assume that for all the squatting prowess that Asians possess that there would be an influx of Asians in activities that require a lot of squatting namely catching. If you scour the rosters of Major League Baseball however, there is only one Asian catcher of note, Kenji Johjima.

One of the greatest benefits of squatting is the resulting lack of need to have benches in public spaces. Why waste the resources to erect potential tripping hazards and extreme sport obstacles when people can gleefully squat in place instead. I am very curious to know what would occur if there were a bench made for 3 people and there were 5 experienced squatters. Would they all squat together? Would 3 people sit down and 2 squat? Would none of them squat? If anybody knows the answer or even better has photo evidence, I am throroughly intrigued.

Before classifying all Asians as the squatting type, I must also point out that the more recent an Asian has contact with mainland Asia or mainland Asians, the more likely they are to partake in squatting. Let me introduce the Exposure to Mainlanders to Squatting Relationship. As the chart below clearly demonstrates beyond a reasonable doubt there is a 1:1 positive correlation between mainlander exposure and propensity to squat. This therefore excludes many 2nd generation and further Asians from being frequent squatters. This also explains the extremely high number of Asian people seen squatting in neighborhoods populated by a lot of newer immigrants.

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Stuff We Rike: #1 Rice

I am a person rooted in logic and am a firm believer in deductive reasoning, the process of determining that if certain statements are accepted to be true then other statements that follow can be shown to follow from the aforementioned accepted true statements. Now in order for deductive reasoning to be applicable it is necessary to assess the truth values of the statements involved. In this case we will determine the truth values of the following statements.

p= There are a lot of Asian people

q= People like carbs

r= Rice are carbs

I doubt that many people can doubt the truthiness of premise "p" as according to Wikipedia:

Asia is the world's largest and most populous continent. It covers 8.6% of the Earth's total surface area (or 29.9% of its land area) and with approximately 4 billion people, it contains more than 60% of the world's current human population.

That is a lot of people; in fact that is a lot of Asian people. Premise "p" can stay.

Premise "q" proves to be a bit harder to prove. According to the FDA's tried and true food pyramid,

carboyhydrates should account for 6-11 servings of our dietary consumption which is more than any other food group. Since we can assume that people only consume a lot of what they like, nutritional value be damned, we can therefore assume that people like to eat a lot of carbohydrates.

In order to prove premise "r" all we have to do is look at the flood classification of rice. Rice is actually a cereal grain and one of the staple carbohydrates for a significant portion of the world.

Now that we have determined that all the premises are indeed true we can now apply the tried and true law of syllogism which states that:

If p => q and

If q => r then

drumroll...

dramatic pause...

p => r

boisterous applause!

Therefore we can without a doubt conclude that Asian people like rice.

Now lets dive a little deeper into why we love rice even with its highly labor intensive and water necessitating demands. Besides the nutritional value of rice and its ability to provide energy and facilitate oxygen to our brains, rice has become a part of the Asian identity and is culturally ingrained into the Asian lifestyle. In fact in most Asian languages the term for meal is actually synonymous with the term for rice. A rice less meal is a near foreign concept to a vast majority of Asians.

Good rice is like porn; you know it when you see it. And Asians love good rice. Rice offers something that many other foods cannot; it is among the most versatile foods in existence. Its malleability, squishability, and compatibility offer it a plethora of culinary options that are absent to most other foods. It can be a primary dish, side item, or desert item. It can be utilitarian and it can be elegant. It can be breakfast, lunch or dinner. It can be all three. Rice is the chameleon of foods as it fits in in whatever situation you place it in.

Nary an Asian household or dorm room can be complete without the requisite rice cooker. Most Asians cannot even fathom preparing rice via pot and stove top. Most people expect toasters, blenders and silverware as wedding gifts. Asians expect rice cookers and preferably the rice cookers that can prepare over 8 cups of rice at a time with the tray that goes on top that allows you to steam vegetables at the same time.

Rice is so sacred amongst Asians that it has reached almost reverential status. There aren't many things more insulting to Asian mothers and especially grandmothers than seeing somebody stain the pure white delicacies with soy sauce or other forms of condiments. Some things are meant to be pure. Rice is one of those things. So if you are wondering why you are receiving Asian death stares while eating rice, it is a direct result of rice bastardization. So when eating your next bowl of rice don't be "the soy sauce on rice guy or gal," and apply soy or duck sauce at your own peril. Would you pee on your mother's grave? Probably not. Well we don't put soy sauce on our rice.

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About Me

Hi!

My name is Wyman Khuu and I am a 22 year old graduate from the University of Michigan with a degree in Political Science and Statistics. I was originally born and raised in Queens, New York and am now a Midwest implant in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I am an aspiring pseudo sociologist who has lived through a lot and still have a lot to live through as well. I am constantly battling my level of "Asianness" and often find myself on both sides of the Asian pendulum.

I am the product of two Vietnamese parents but speak no Vietnamese. I am oddly fluent in both Mandarin and Cantonese as a direct result of being forced into Chinese school at a young age.

I also eat with a fork.

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